Terra Lumnus

Originally from the west coast of Scotland Topaz Steampunk McGonagall is most famous as the national poet of the distant realm of Terra Lumnus (Pictured)

Some have said that learning of a prophecy proclaiming his early death in a freak scone (pronounced ‘scone’) accident, Mcgonagall became an early pioneer in the field of temporal mechanics and escaped his fate by becoming lost in the seas of time. However – Most serious academics describe this theory as complete and utter b*llocks! (Fakapedia Extract)

See yon poor wee timorous beastie..
But buy it rum an’ flasks of whiskey,
Teach it judo an’ barfight-fisties,
Then gee it guns, swords an’ artillery,
Soon ye’ll find timorous nae longer is he!

From ‘Haw-Yee… Your Bard!’
Steampunk McGonagall

There was a Steampunk girl
Who had a clockwork curl
Hidden under cover o’ her hat

And when she was good
Time moved onwards as it should
But when she was bad…
It would have dire and tragic implications
for the foundation of the entire multiverse
…and beyond!

From Yo Hic Ho Ho and other Seasonal Indiscretions 
– Steampunk McGonagall

My steam powered dragon just would nae fly,
Too much flame ale and charcoal flake pie.
Even with boosters strapped tae his thighs,
There was just nae way he could take tae the sky!

Then along came a man with a plan and a can,
A strange wee fella totting a big brass propeller.
“McGonagall, If for a moment you will listen” said he,
“Me, you and your dragon can change history”

Well, I listened an’ I listened then I listened some more,
As I lost the desire tae boot his arse oot the door.
At last the wee man finished and stood eyeing me,
I reached for my spanner crying “Sounds good tae me!”

So we tinkered then we hammered then we tinkered some more,
And we muttered then we cussed then we muttered some more.
I had tae promise m’dragon “Nae pal, trust me, it will nae be sore!”
As we showed him the workings, the engine and more.

At last came the dawn with a sky colored brass,
Of a day I was half sure might nare come tae pass.
On the runway stood the wee man, the dragon and me
Waiting tae see.. what tae see.. we might see.

With a roar from the rear the dragon he rose,
His goggles a’glinting away on his nose.
Soaring up in tae and away cross the sky,
My diesel powered dragon relearning how tae fly!

Retrofitting M’Reptilian
by Steampunk McGonagall
From ‘Dawn O’ The Green Angel & Other Stories

Oh little snail
Wee little snail
Are you comfy in yer shell?
Does it come with sky tv,
And wifi access to roam free?

Oh little snail
Such a little snail
Sliding doon yer shiny trail
But change yer path now if ye please
Those cabbages they belong tae me!

From ‘This is why I have no money’
– Steampunk McGonagall

“Oh tattered winged wee Tinkerbell,
Still battered from your fall,
Heaven’s gate was slammed on you,
On orders from St Paul.

He did not like your flirty ways,
The way you shook your ass,
So turned the key and locked you out,
A sad thing come to pass.

But… No lad here in Neverland,
Had seen afore your like,
That wanton smile and in your eye,
Such promise of delight.

And so you reigned in hearts o’ all,
Turning each lost boy to man,
A wicked kingdom all your own,
Till along came charmer Pan!”

From ‘Dawn O The Green Angel & Other Tales’
– Steampunk McGonagall

Oh Tinkerbell, Oh Tinkerbell!
Take oot yer guns, give that boy hell!
That Peter Pan has got tae go!
You let him in – He stole yer show!

Oh Tinkerbell, Oh Tinkerbell!
Oot wiz yer knives, sharpened so well!
Take yer revenge, we will nae tell!
Send his wee bum off doon tae hell!

(To the tune o’ Oh Christmas Tree ((almost))
From ‘Dawn O The Green Angel & Other Tales’
– Steampunk McGonagall

“Naw so sweet Tinkerbell
Sitting on her leaf.
With fourteen guns
and a knife between her teeth.
Nae lost boy dare tell her what tae do
She’d slice them up and turn them intae stew!”

From ‘Dawn O The Green Angel & Other Tales’
– Steampunk McGonagall

“Auld Steampunk McHumpty – He sat on his wall
Made from steel and brass panels – Over 30 miles tall
With clockwork powered armour – He’d send off tae hell
Any demon king horseman – Intent on his shell!”

From ‘Dawn O The Green Angel & Other Tales’
– Steampunk McGonagall

Wee Willie Klinkie – gliding over the toon,
Up gears, doon gears, in his flying gown,
Tapping at me window with his tapper-knock,
“Are the steampunks in their beds,
It’s aw-most gin o’clock!”

Come in Wee Willie klinkie – are you made o’ tin?
My cat is making clockwork mice, to keep his practice in,
Dog has feet up on the hearth, happy reading Mr Peeps,
But next door there’s a steampunk who just will-nae go tae sleep!

This noisy little brassling has dark designs upon the moon,
And the making o’ his rocket-ship creates such an awful tune,
The piercing screams of metalwork is drowning oot the night,
Waking aw good sleepy folk with dire and dreadful fright!

Oh Wee Willie Klinkie – This just has-tae stop!
The bugger’s started welding and it’s just gone 4 o’clock,
Im reaching for the buckshot an me blunderbuss,
If he don’t stop that racket, I’ll turn his ass to dust!

Morning Wee Willie Klinkie, it’s peaceful once again,
We had a wee discussion, just him… me… and 10 foot Ben,
He promised most profusely he would no do it again,
We’re acting now as ground crew and he leaves for space at 10!

From ‘Dawn O The Green Angel & Other Tales’
– Steampunk McGonagall

“Old man Atticus sat with his cats.
Aw wearing goggles and felt top hats.
Sticking brass pins in a big auld map,
That showed the good music and where its aw at!

Whispered conversations and soft wee laughs.
Shared slow swigs from hidden hip flasks.
With an Absinthe Affair as you can see,
Musical mischief is mightily guaranteed!”

From ‘Dawn O The Green Angel & Other Tales’
– Steampunk McGonagall

See yon gleaming steampunk beastie,
Aw brass inside wiz wires so fiddle-yee,
Springpins, gears and ouch-hot chimney,
As a clockwork man… subtle he just isnae!

From ‘Dawn O The Green Angel & Other Tales’
– Steampunk McGonagall

“Gaskets auld but pistons new,
Somewhat battered but on she flew.
Engines blazing through dark night,
Tae bring us hame afore dawn’s light!

Pirates off oor starboard bow,
Gaining… Though we ken no how.
But, canons primed and pistols cocked,
We turn tae face this devil’s flock!

Oor cold eyed Captain at the wheel,
His chosen crew with hearts o’ steel.
Revealed… This falcon is nae prey,
Yon pirates may regret this day!

Hell born screams tear up the night,
Only Gods can pleasure at such sights.
Blood red dawn flames in the sky,
Reflect in eyes of those who die!

With shriek o’ metal and men in fright,
Their broken hull sinks oot of sight.
Battle at last has gone oor way,
And oor dear Lady claims this day!”

Last Flight O’ The Lady Murieston
From ‘Dawn O The Green Angel & Other Tales’
– Steampunk McGonagall

Mary, Mary, Steampunk Fairy.
My, How Your Arsenal Glows.
With Cannonball Shells, Armed missiles
And Clockwork Spears In A Bow

From ‘Dawn O The Green Angel & Other Tales’
– Steampunk McGonagall

T’was the night afore Giftmas and aw through M’hoose,
No a wee soul was wakened, no even a moose.
And then from the chimney came a mysterious sound
O’ scratching an’ clawing and brick falling down.
Intae the fire a grim shadow did fell,
Then gave off a shriek and a Gawd awful smell.
Along the dark hallway the creature it crept,
The sack on its back all bloody an’ wet!
The wee brasslings were sleeping alone in their beds…
…When Santa snuck in and bit off their heads!

– Steampunk McGonagall

Oh here’s the reason I be so snotty!
Tra La La La La – La La La La!
Some wee bugger wiz the cold they got me!
Tra La La La La – La La – La La!

Crashed on the couch with a bottle hottie!
Tra La La La La – La La La La!
Need a wee nip but nae bevvy gotty!
Tra La La La La – La La – La La!

Feeling sorry, feeling dodgy!
Tra La La La La – La La La La!
The medical term is ‘Feeling Grotty!’
Tra La La La – Tra La La La!

– Tales From The Hideous Hanky O’ Horror
Steampunk McGonagall

Georgie McPorgie, piston head guy,
built an engine, learned tae fly.
When the martians came next day,
McPorgie flew aw the folks away!
From ‘Dawn O The Green Angel & Other Tales’

– Steampunk McGonagall

“Jack an Jill, they took a pill,
That help them jump through time.
Not all was lost and at all cost,
They’d find that Tardis o’ mine!

From ‘Dawn O The Green Angel & Other Tales’
– Steampunk McGonagall

“Clockwork Jack Horner,
Read a book in his corner,
That dealt with o’ manner o’ things.
His spring powered thumbs,
Held a torch and a gun,
A pie and a bottle of Rum!”

From ‘Dawn O The Green Angel & Other Tales’
– Steampunk McGonagall

 “Hush ma little steambee, dunnie have a care..
Ma clockwork birdie will take us there.
An’ once we are airborne you will surely see..
It’s an Absinthe Affair between you an’ me!”

From ‘Dawn O The Green Angel & Other Tales’
– Steampunk McGonagall

 All Material: Copyright © W. Steele 2016

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